Sister Love

The magic of spending time with your siblings is something that I’ve taken for granted almost my whole life. Growing up, my two sisters and I have been very close and have had typical sibling relationships. We bully each other, but also care for each other in a way that no one else really can. Up until two years ago I took these amazing bonds for granted, but when my older sister Grace left for college, I started to realize how much I enjoyed our sibling time and doing even small, sometimes dumb things like making sugar cookies, but cutting out our own shapes instead of using cookie cutters. Throughout the past two years I’ve begun to appreciate spending time with my sisters a lot more, and just spending time around both of them makes me very happy.

            When Grace is away at college, I get to spend more time with my younger sister Laura, who I have a very different relationship with. Spending time with her makes me just as happy as spending time with Grace, but in a very different way. In contrast, my relationship with Grace, especially recently, has been a very supportive one where many of our conversations are about more serious things and sharing advice with each other. This is great for both of us and makes me happy because I know that she loves me very much, and I feel that I gain something every time I talk to her. Laura, on the other hand, spends most of her time with me joking around and fighting with me. I have just as much fun with Laura, but in a very different way. I have many fun memories of playing with, fighting with, and partying with Laura, and she never fails to have a good time. Because we have lived together all of our lives, we fight a LOT, but it almost always ends in both of us laughing.

            One of my best memories with Laura was two years ago during winter break. Since neither of us really had anything going on for the entire two weeks off school, we spent a lot of time with each other. The majority of our time was spent crafting Christmas presents and fighting… physically. We decided it would be a good idea to get our energy out by wrestling each other on the soft carpet of our basement, while my mom was upstairs and had no idea. Every time we did this, it ended in me sitting on her and making fun of her weak self. Looking back, I’m a little bit scared because now she is taller and stronger than me. I’m a little worried that my older sister dominance wouldn’t be enough to help me win if we got in a fight. A good memory that I have with Grace was a time when I spent a weekend staying in her dorm with her in Bloomington. She currently attends ISU and last fall her roommate was out of town for a weekend, so she had the brilliant idea to have me come and stay with her for a couple days. It was a lot of fun, even though the majority of our time was spent studying at the library (this was a big school-filled week for both of us). It was a lot of fun for me to feel like a cool college kid for a couple days as well as get to spend time with Grace and see her favorite coffee shop, study place, and park.

            The picture below pretty accurately sums up the relationship of my sisters and me. I typically greet Laura by punching her and then doing our handshake, while I greet Grace by walking up to her and standing stiffly with my arms at my side so that she can hug me. I wouldn’t change my relationship with either of my sisters for anything, and each one of us works so well with the others even though we are all very different. Spending time with either or (preferably) both of my sisters never fails to make me smile and we always have a good time, no matter what we are doing.

Learning How to Draw a Line

I recently began reading a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. This book changed my mind about how we as Christians are called to help people, as well as teaching me that I don’t have to give up my own life in order to help others with theirs. Something I’ve struggled with understanding throughout my life, as I assume other people have as well, is discerning the difference between helping and doing something for someone else. Growing up I was taught some core, Christian values and these included that we are called to help others and put them before ourselves. This is something that is true, but is tricky to teach as well as understand, especially as a kid. The perspective that this book brings has changed my opinion on exactly how much I can give to the world.

Throughout my life I’ve been growing in my understanding of how to practice this form of humility in my own life, because I tend to put more into helping others than I can handle. What typically happens is that I see pain in the life of someone who I’m close to and seeing that makes me want to do something to make it go away. I’m sure many of us see and struggle with this, because in these situations there’s only so much you can do. I tend to take this person’s problems on as if they were my own problems and I put extra stress on myself by doing this. These situations usually end in me struggling to keep up with my own life and ultimately having a moment where I break down and blame myself for what happened. This pattern is not healthy, and I know that it is not part of what Christians are supposed to do. I’ve been struggling for a few years with understanding why I can’t help others like I thought I was called to do as well as keep up with my own life. The book Boundaries is all about this exact thought process and examines the bible and what it says about the matter. The conclusion that the author comes to it that we need to set boundaries for ourselves so that we don’t feel pressure to try and control/ “fix” everyone else’s life. These healthy boundaries prevent us from getting overly involved in the lives of others to the point that we end up hurting ourselves.

This book helped me start to understand that putting too much into others is not only bad for me, but it ultimately also hurts them. If I give too much to them, it will be easier for them to become dependent on this help to the point where if I suddenly realize that the relationship is hurting me and I have to back out, they will be more hurt than they would have been had I never stepped in at all. This perspective really got my attention because I didn’t realize that I could be hurting others trough my destructive behavior of over involvement. For example, if one friend was struggling with school because of their home life, a healthy help from another friend would be to offer suggestions to friend one such as, “maybe you should seek help from an organization of adults who know what they are doing,” or, “try to get all of your homework done at school.” Another way of helping would be offering to stay after school for a few minutes to help this person with any questions they have about a specific piece of homework. Getting overly involved would be doing something like staying up later than usual to FaceTime this friend for three hours to help them do all their homework. This scenario isn’t healthy, because the helping friend is trying to solve the problem for the other friend. Through this process, the helping friend could get less sleep and become more stressed about getting their own homework done, because they don’t have as much time. When the helping friend starts to struggle it brings both people down, ultimately hurting both more than they would have been hurt if the helping friend had helped in a healthier way.

Reading this book has led me to many realizations that have changed how I help others. Now, when I’m in these types of situations, I step back and look at it from an outside perspective, therefore not letting myself get in the middle of the situation too early. This helps me to make a clearer decision about what the best plan of action is. In the moment it is very hard to tell someone no and not immediately step in to solve their problem for them, but I’ve realized through this book and now through my own experience that having boundaries about how much to help someone is healthier and usually more beneficial for both people. I plan to continue to use what I’ve learned from this book in my life, since it has changed my viewpoint on what it really means to help someone.

Squirrels Are Our Friends

Hessel Park in Champaign is in between a neighborhood and busy Kirby avenue. One side of it feels no different from being on the sidewalk on the side of any other street, while the other side has a cozy, friendly neighborhood feel. This diversity makes the park good for many things from studying, to playing a game (soccer, frisbee), to eating ice cream on a hot summer day.

I’ve found that Hessel Park is a very good place to write. It has the perfect balance of white noise, but not distracting conversations, and this balance can be altered based on where you are. Being outside under a light canopy of old trees brings a feeling of relaxation as well as joy, which are perfect conditions for spilling my thoughts onto an empty word document. In addition to writing, just being in this public, but still somewhat secluded space is good for getting work done. I feel more motivated to stay off my phone because people can see me (weird logic, but that’s how my mind works), but I’m not stressed about school because of the nice forest-like environment. If I am working and want to take a break it is easy to take a good, relieving, but not unproductively long break. By just sitting and people watching for 5 minutes I allow my mind to rest while still doing something I enjoy.

As an introvert, I enjoy the small bit of privacy that the space between picnic tables offers. This environment is good for me as being outside has always been somewhat of a getaway for me, something that calms me down. Sometimes I go to Hessel park not necessarily because I have something to do there, but because I know I can just be and not have the stresses of the world on my shoulders for an hour. I recommend going to Hessel (or any other) park if you feel overwhelmed or worried about anything. To spend some time in fresh air, without people pestering you about various things can actually be more relaxing than spending the night with your friends. Squirrels are actually quite friendly, and if you are lacking in the friend department, they can do quite nicely as a replacement of your nonexistent buddies.

On the other half of the boredom scale, a park like Hessel can also help. If you spend the entire summer in your house with nothing to do, I recommend setting up a time to get together with some of your friends and go play a game at a park. It is a really fun time and takes a few hours out of a boring day. Overall, whatever your need may be, a park like Hessel can be helpful and I highly recommend taking advantage of our community’s great resources.